I recently read about the early days of greyhound racing in the United States and how monkeys were once used as jockeys on the greyhounds. Because many people think that human jockeys hold back horses and lose races on purpose, it might be a good idea to consider another kind of jockey other than the human ones who now ride thoroughbreds.

I considered monkeys first, but it seems the little guys and girls would be too small to control a 1,000 pound thoroughbred under a full head of steam. Next I considered larger animals, but it would have to be an animal that could stay in the saddle and hold the reins in some way. As far as the whip goes, that is optional. It is said the monkeys used to use their tails to whip the greyhounds. They also used to try to hold back other greyhounds who were passing them. Apparently monkeys aren’t very good sports, something I have long suspected.

I considered dogs, but then I remembered the picture of the dogs playing poker. You know the one I mean, they are sitting around a poker table, smoking and playing cards. It is obvious that they are cheating and I am thinking that if they cheat at cards what would they do in a horse race?

I tried to think of an animal that would be able to put its feet in the stirrups and hold the reins. Of course, the first thing I cam up with was chimpanzees. Considering some of the cruel insults I have seen thrown at jockeys after a race, especially one with some dubious performances, it might be more appropriate to have chimps in the irons. Then when a fan shouts, “You ride like an old lady you little monkey!” There would be no question of what he or she meant.

Chimps, however, can be dangerous, they have been known to attack humans and I am also not sure how they would treat a horse, so perhaps there is another animal better suited to ride in races. Bears obviously are out, after all, they might eat their mounts.

Of course, the animal rights advocates would be up in arms if animals were riding animals, too. So just what is the perfect solution? Since we don’t seem to be able to satisfy everyone and humans are always going to race and bet on races, it seems the sensible solution is people riding people.

Why not have human jockeys and human runners. While the animal rights folks wouldn’t mind seeing humans whipped, since they consider us lower than the animals, perhaps somewhere on the vegetable level, they wouldn’t mind seeing a 100 pound man or woman being carried piggy back on a great big lumbering man or woman.

Imagine the thrill of seeing big, fast, strong men or women carrying a shouting jockey who is whipping and cursing and sweating down the stretch! Of course, then if a favorite lost the crowd would not only cry foul at the jockey, but at the runner as well. How would we know if they were in cahoots or if just one of them was a cheat? What kind of finger pointing and excuses would we find after the race. Instead of just interviewing the winning jockey, owner, trainer, the reporters could actually get it straight from the horses, oops, I mean runner’s mouth.

There would always be the possibility, however, that this would be detrimental to human evolution. Instead of just allowing people to breed as they will, and I think you know what I mean, selective breeding would start taking place. Within a few generations some great retired runners would be making millions in the stud shed, while others were simply put out to pasture.

The public would complain that they were breeding the brains out of the poor runners and their ankles and bones were too fragile to carry their magnificent muscled body. Would excessive whipping finally be banned? Perhaps if the riders and runners were teams of husbands and wives it would have to be, though some would say it should perhaps be encouraged? Makes you think doesn’t it? Maybe, just for now, we should stick with things the way they are.